Miss Nude USA
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July 3rd kicked off the summertime festivities in Illinois, with the 4TH of July weekend and the 2005 Miss Nude USA Pageant in full swing. This year’s location for the show of shows was the fabulous Gallery Showbar in Desoto, IL. Which has been deemed one of the wildest strip clubs in the state. One of the largest pageants on the circuit today, the USA's usually attracts some pretty big name features from the stage and screen. This year was no exception, with entertainers from all over the U.S. converging on the great state of Illinois, for a shot at a very coveted title. The only other titles in this league are: Miss Nude Galaxy, Miss Nude World, Deja Vu's Showgirl of the Year, Miss Nude International and Miss Nude Universe. That's the ceiling. You can't get any higher than that in a performance pageant. Why are these carnal cavalcades of confusion, comedy and curvy contortionist's so important to feature entertainers in the adult business? The answer can be summed up in one word: "Credits." Credits are the claim to fame of every feature entertainer and porn star. Feature circuit entertainers need exposure to become a household word, whether it is magazine credits, pageant credits or (nowadays) television credits. (I.E. Springer, Geraldo, Jenny Jones etc.)  Porn stars collect movie credits, box cover credits, stage, magazine and TV credits as well. It’s all about "What you've won and what you've done." And as they say in the business: "You're only as good as your last picture," which invokes constantly accumulating new credits to stay in the industry spotlight. This is how the booking agents gauge your popularity, as well as your show price and movie prices. The more credits, the more cash, simple. Hardly so… titles, magazine covers and box cover's are sought out by all, and can take years to gather. But many performers work at it every day, and move up fast. Others are not so lucky. So the bottom line is obviously “Competitive.” When you are competing for careers and cash, it is a serious business. But, the sweetest kittens usually have the sharpest claws, and nobody enters a pageant to be a runner-up. But, that drama and dedication is what feeds competition. 
Meanwhile at the hotel, the early birds that drove, lazed around the pool discussing strategies, but never revealing what their last and biggest show would be. The trust factor is very low in the competitive ranks of stardom. It seems that one never boast's about an up coming performance. Not only is it bad luck, but also it is also like tipping your hand at poker... you must never give an opponent the edge, or you're fucked.
            Night one produced a standing room only audience down at the Gallery, with a line of patrons milling about out the door. They knew why they were here. It was going to be a melee of mammaries and a barrage of buxom booty, and probably the biggest pageant of feature entertainers ever to hit town. Backstage, contestants ran amok getting ready for their shows. At least a dozen flavors of perfume clouded the air in the performer dressing room. Props were inspected, music was selected and high-fives were eagerly accepted. On stage, the competition heated up, with shows gaining more momentum throughout the entire week.

As the final evening rolled around, and the house lights dimmed, every judge and spectator scurried off to their seats. I gathered my change off the bar, slammed back a tequila shooter and flipped Danny my favorite bartender a fin. As I fought my way back to the land of the living ringside, the first contestant hit the stage to roaring applause. And as they say: "The crowd went wild." Show after stunning show perplexed the room, with all eyes front and center stage. Many astounding sets were witnessed at the USA's. But alas, it was time to drop the Chalupa's, and pick a wiener!
  Miss Nude USA's host with the most, “Icepick Benny” jumped aboard the Gallery main stage and began to read off the list of winners. And those winners were: In the Newcomer Division USA:

Best Face: Ginger Taylor
Hottest Buns: Kaydance Jones
Hottest Legs: Sunny Sunshine
Hottest Body: Ginger Taylor
Best Bazookas: Deanna Devine
Most Original Show: Kaydance Jones
Hottest Stage Personality: Sunny Sunshine
 
In the Specialty Division, we saw the enticing Mobile bad girl, Damien Davidson take the Most Original Show USA, while the groovy Miss Bunny snagged the Most Luscious Lungs USA title for her machine gun jubblies. (How'd I miss those, baby.) Newcomer USA was passed on to Sunny Sunshine. Best Face USA (giving, or receiving?) went to the luscious Serenna Starr, during which the Hottest Stage Personality USA award went out to the Dynamic Duo.. The Hottest Body USA was grabbed by the shapely Azriel Messier, as was the Hottest Buns USA slot. Hottest Legs USA was scissored by the awesome Miss Bunny. The candy-coated Miss Bunny also captured Performer of the Year USA and Miss Nude petite USA. Whew!
  In the Top Title Division, winner of the Miss Nude Brunette USA title was Deanna Devine. Azriel Messier bagged Miss Nude Redhead USA. Lauren Powers and Gayle Mother took down the Miss Nude Blonde USA title. (The Dynamic Duo.) In the Men’s Division, Desoto’s own Benny Spiky took the Mr. Nude USA title, hands down. (No pun intended.)  The Top Three titles went to the ultra-fine Miss Bunny, who hooked it in as 2nd runner up for the Miss Nude USA, the awe-inspiring Ginger Taylor took the 1st runner-up Miss Nude USA spot. And the winner of the 2005 Miss Nude USA Pageant is: Janet Reno.... not really. (Gotcha!) And the winner of the 2005 Miss Nude USA Pageant is: the sexy, Serenna Starr! Serenna accepted her crown and bouquet of roses, and proceeded to do her winners walk. And man, could she walk and walk... Congratulation's Serenna!
    Xcitement Magazine would like to thank Ryan at The Gallery for being such a gracious host of this year’s event. Special thanks to Joe and Rio Rivers, for inviting us down to Illinois for the gig. We had a blast!
   If you missed this year's Miss Nude USA Pageant we should use your ass for a piñata. You missed an incredible event. Next year the promoters are using the new and revamped USA title, as Miss Nude United States. The old one shall be retired forever.  I guess the Donald finally pulled the plug, and it’s time to update the USA grand tradition. It still has the same great taste that won’t fill you up, but with a whole new look! So until the next show rolls into your town, see you on the circuit! -TAG
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