Hi, I made a sex tape! Eight, actually! And you can too! Praise the lord!

I’m just gonna say it outright, OK you guys? You ready? Here it is …

No candles.

I know, right? “But Carrie,” I hear you whine, “candles are so, like, totally awesome! How can I not use them in my not-at-all sexy Christian masturbation tape?” And I totally think so too!

But here’s the thing. You want your scene to look good for your massively sexually frustrated boyfriend, right? Well, candles just get in the way of the action, and unless you’re using an infrared camera, there’s simply no way candles — even, like, a million little votives from Wal-Mart that smell like vanilla pudding and hurt in a really yummy way when you drip them on your thigh and moan — will illuminate the important stuff, like your sequined heels, a John Mayer poster, or the giant stuffed Pooh bear propping up the wine coolers on the bedside table. Sorry!

Also, candles are way dangerous! One involuntary leg spasm and suddenly the pillow lace is on fire, and the little cherub painting hanging over your Hello Kitty sheets is burning like Larry King’s beady little eyes. Scary!

OK so, editing! You want to cut the fluff, right? I am, too! This is why editing is so important. Even your basic iPhone lets you trim out the awkward parts, like when you’re about to fake another orgasm and you let out a shriek that sounds like a chicken mating with a leaf blower, and suddenly the cat freaks out and claws at your implants, and before you know it there’s blood on your favorite US Weekly centerfold, totally blurring out Justin Timberlake’s abs. Fantasy ruined! Gosh I hate that! So edit carefully, K?

Speaking of sounds, here’s some advice I keep hearing over and over in a million different ways. Keep your mouth shut! Ha ha! Get it? I keep hearing that! Me! As if!

But it’s true! As much as I love rambling on about stuff I know nothing about and repeating quasi-religious, homophobic garbage that’s basically been fed to me by my male GOP handlers, even I know that, in a good sex tape, you keep the chatter to a minimum. After all, it’s a video, silly! That means pictures! Naked pictures! With moaning!

So, unless you’re screaming out the lord’s name in vain or begging your imaginary partner to perform some kinky French fetish thing on you with a ball-gag and 15 feet of garden hose, keep your sounds restricted to moans, gasps, sighs, cute little hiccups, dirty curse words and maybe the occasional, “Ooh baby, I know you like it when I use this vibrator on the Pooh bear like that, don’t you lover?” Like the saying goes, brevity is the soul of, uh, somethingorother. I know, right?

Let’s talk equipment. No, not those, silly! Although God knows those come in handy too! Ha ha! God bless silicone!

I mean video equipment. I say, why not skip the iPhone or lame P&S camera, and make a real investment in your trashy, Gawker-ready, 15-minutes-of-fame future by buying yourself a dedicated digital video camera and a little tripod. Add in about three free iMovie classes at the Apple store, and it’s whammo, here I come, reality TV show!

People always ask me, Carrie, when you make a sex tape, does it help to actually be a Christian? I mean, like, not a very good one, more like a pseudo-moralistic, fundamentalist homophobe ex-beauty queen with as many brain cells as you have limbs? Someone who wouldn’t understand true Christianity if Jesus himself came down and tickled your feet and called you Lilith?

My answer is always the same: Jesus was a foot fetishist? That is so awesome!

But to answer the other question: heck yes, it helps! I find that mock Christianity only cranks up the irony factor, the sexy hypocrisy of what you’re doing — and massive moralistic hypocrisy is a total turn on! Just ask all those Catholic priests! And Republican senators! And televangelists! And gay televangelists who have sex with Republican senator priests!

Here’s a very simple formula I learned back when I was knee-high to a tequila shooter: The more you profess your hollow, virginal Christian righteousness, the greater the melodrama and drooling media attention when your lame, cheeseball sex tape — or meth fetish, or gay lover — comes to light, and the more money you get for your book deal and/or reality show. It’s like magic, or something! OMG you guys, capitalism is so awesome!

(Note: This formula is also super extra effective if you wear, like, a tiny gold cross necklace in your videos? And as you dry hump the arm of the Levitz sofa, the cross bounces up and down and it makes it seem like Jesus is alive in your heart? Even though he’s totally not? It’s totally kinky!)

Have you thought about lighting? I like to think about lighting. I also like to think about Spaghetti-Os, giant pandas, things that sparkle, and whether or not it’s legal to keep a baby white tiger in my back yard, name it John Mayer and feed it Spaghetti-Os and hot dogs and my thong underwear as I cry uncontrollably. But never mind that now.

What was I saying? I forget. But seriously, someone really did ask me if it’s possible to make a genuinely hot, dirty sex tape and also be deeply spiritual, or if the two are, um, “mutually exclusive” or whatever. After he explained to me what that phrase meant, I said sure! I think! Wait, what again?

I once heard that it’s actually more than possible, it’s absolutely the best and healthiest way to be, to be super dialed in to the divine, and also explore your sexuality as intensely as you like. In fact, lots of mystical texts and teachers say the experience of the rapture itself is nearly identical to orgasm, and that ecstasy, lust, love, desire and divine consciousness are all interlinked at a very profound level, even interchangeable, all spinning around the same sacred source in dazzling swirls of unutterable bliss and orgasmic joy penetrating every breath and bone and cell of your body. Wow! Rapture on, Jesus!

Now, I have no idea what the hell I just said in that last paragraph, but it sure sounds neat, doesn’t it? Or wait, I mean, sinful and evil? I can’t quite tell the difference. Ha ha! That is so awesome! God bless ignorance! And my nipples! Happy sextaping, everyone! Get a tripod!

STORY SOURCE: http://www.sfgate.com

Decriminalization increases safety, say some in business

Three sex workers launched a controversial constitutional challenge against Canada’s prostitution laws on Tuesday, arguing that decriminalizing some elements will make it safer for them to work.

The applicants — a dominatrix, a former sex trade worker and a working prostitute — say provisions under the Criminal Code endanger their safety by preventing them from taking precautions, such as working indoors or hiring security guards to protect themselves. The Government of Canada disagrees. It contends that there is no such thing as a safe place for prostitution, regardless of whether it’s legal or illegal.

“This case is not about a constitutional right to be a prostitute,” Alan Young, who is representing the women, said in his opening remarks to Justice Susan Himel of the Superior Court of Ontario on Tuesday in Toronto. It is about depriving them of security and liberty, he said.

READ FULL STORY:  http://www.canada.com

Residents willing to fight can do more than shaky laws to keep out an unwanted business.

In the end, a group of Cherry Hill residents got what they wanted. A store that would have sold adult videos and novelties won’t open in the former Kiva Printing building on Route 70 East.

The township has reached a settlement with Partners 70 LLC, owned by Jim Restaino of Union County. The settlement ends an expensive four-year battle that, in the end, serves as an example of how the will of the people can move governments to action.

The law is limited in what it can do. There are only so many restrictions that towns can have in their zoning laws or that state governments can pass. After all, one of the fundamental tenants of the United States is that property owners have rights to do what they want with their property. Communities that impose too many restrictions on property owners and say no too often regularly find themselves on the losing end in court. Such struggles end up costing residents whose taxes pay for such legal fights.

Indeed, Cherry Hill had to defend itself in court after denying a business license in 2005 for Romantic Video and Boutique. Understanding that a full, township-wide prohibition on sex shops wouldn’t stand up in court, township elected officials created special zones for sex shops in 2007. Also, the state Assembly passed bills allowing local officials to restrict the location of sex shops and to require the daytime posting of security guards at schools, school bus stops and child care centers within 3,000 feet of such shops. The bills were later changed.

As Assemblywoman Pamela Lampitt, who moved to amend the bills noted, the rights of property owners as well as the First Amendment limit what the government can force store owners to do.

The township’s sex shop zoning restrictions might stand up over time in court over time. They might not. Same with any state laws. It’s hard to say.

That being the case, we would encourage residents of any community who don’t want a business they consider a nuisance near their homes to lead the charge. Ultimately, it was citizen unrest that not only forced the township to spring to action, but also made opening a store far less attractive to Restaino.

Residents were threatening to post photos online of patrons who entered the store. Protests in front of the store probably would have happened, also. Think any store owner wants to deal with having his customers routinely embarrassed? Of course not. It was easier for Restaino to cut his losses and give up his plan knowing residents were so opposed.

We applaud the residents of Kenwood Avenue and groups, including Cherry Hill Together and the Barclay Area Civic Association. They kept up the pressure and ultimately forced Restaino to consider a settlement rather than build. The people spoke and got the result they desired.

STORY SOURCE: http://www.courierpostonline.com/

An Orange County Republican resigned from the California Assembly Wednesday after a videotape surfaced of the lawmaker bragging about his sexual exploits with two women, one of whom reportedly is a lobbyist.

Assemblyman Mike Duvall, R-Yorba Linda, resigned soon after Assembly Speaker Karen Bass, D-Baldwin Hills (Los Angele County) stripped him of his committee assignments and ordered an Ethics Committee investigation of the two-term lawmaker.

Duvall was recorded making lurid comments during an appropriations committee hearing in July when he apparently thought his microphone was turned off. The meetings are regularly recorded and archived by the Assembly.

Shortly after his resignation, Duvall released a written statement saying he was “deeply saddened” that his comments had become a distraction to other members of the Assembly.

“I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office,” said Duvall, a second-term Assemblyman who is married and has two children.

In the video, first broadcast by the KCAL television station in Los Angeles Tuesday night, Duvall talks with a Republican colleague about his sexual activity with two women, one of whom lobbies for Sempra Energy, a San Diego-based utility, according to other media reports. That company often has business before the Assembly Utilities and Commerce Committee that Duvall vice chaired until his removal Wednesday.

In the recording, Duvall bragged about having several sexual encounters with the women. At one point he makes explicit comments about their sexual activity, adding: “So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, ‘I know you like spanking me.’ I said, ‘Yeah, because you’re such a bad girl!’”

Duvall made the comments to fellow Assemblyman Jeff Miller, R-Corona (Riverside County), also a member of the Assembly Ethics Committee. Miller said he “really wasn’t paying attention” to what Duvall was saying and did not alert the Ethics Committee about it. A spokeswoman for Bass said Miller will be removed from the Ethics Committee.

Bass said the ethics investigation would proceed even though Duvall resigned his office. “The resignation does not remove the responsibility of the Assembly Ethics Committee from reviewing the matter,” Bass said. She said she had met with Duvall and said he was “remorseful and regretful.”

Sempra Energy released a statement saying company officials were investigating the matter but said the lobbyist employed by the company has denied the “speculative media reports.”

“Our investigation will be conducted to ensure not only that our policies on employee conduct are strictly adhered to, but also that our employee is treated fairly,” the statement said.

Duvall’s Republican colleagues stopped short of condemning him for his actions.

“Mr. Duvall recognized his inappropriate comments would be an endless source of distraction for this institution and out of respect for his colleagues and love for his family decided to resign,” said Assembly Minority Leader Sam Blakeslee, R-San Luis Obispo, adding that he respects “(Duvall’s) decision to put his family first at this difficult time.”

Miller called the situation, “An unfortunate circumstance for Mike.”

Besides the utilities committee, Duvall was also a member of the Rules Committee. Prior to joining the Legislature in 2006, Duvall was a Yorba Linda city councilman and was twice elected mayor by his colleagues while on the city council. He also was president of the Yorba Linda Chamber of Commerce and was awarded the Ethics in America award in 2000 by Chapman University for his “demonstration of the highest standards of ethical integrity,” according to his campaign Web site.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has 14 days to call a special election to fill Duvall’s seat, which would be either Nov. 3 or Dec. 1 depending on when the governor acts.

Original Story:  sfgate.com

A ban on tourists using stripper poles in Las Vegas nightclubs is picking up support from Clark County commissioners in a move to keep visitors from taking it all off in hotel-casinos in Las Vegas.
Tourists stripping in the nightclubs around Las Vegas have got some officials thinking its time to take away their stripper poles. The pole-induced stripping in clubs in Las Vegas seems to be a little too naughty as women and men have been flashing and exposing themselves, so much as of late that during a meeting of the Clark County Commissioners on August 18th officials started discussing ways to combat the problem.
The discussion centered on Prive nightclub which was heavily fined by the Gaming Control Board to the tune of $500,000 which Planet Hollywood quickly paid. Just last week Prive was given a temporary liquor license to get their doors back open.
In a television replay of the boards meeting, Jacqueline Holloway, the business license director said, “We don’t want to walk into any of these locations and see patrons on the dance poles.”
So now officials are seeking to place employee only restrictions on the stripper-poles, which would allow only go-go dancers that are employed by the clubs access to gesticulate on the brass poles located in the clubs across the city.
Digital Journal contacted Clark County and a spokesperson has confirmed that there is a real effort under way to write up a regulation prohibiting the use of the stripper-poles by anyone other than go-go dancers and other entertainers that are hired by the club.
In this latest move, Clark County is trying appease the Nevada State Gaming Commission after a series of fines and raids in Las Vegas nightclubs and pool side parties.
Prive, which was shut down, was at the center of the mid-summer crack-down along with a major sting operation by the City of Las Vegas Metro Police at the Rio’s topless pool party when officers arrested 8 women and 1 man, charging them with prostitution, along with other charges including drug possession and drug dealing.
The Rio’s topless pool party, sponsored by the strip club Sapphire, was shut down just one day after the flurry of arrests and remained closed for the rest of the summer.
Meanwhile, the rest of the casino hotels in Las Vegas were all put on notice. Hanky-panky would not be tolerated and that Vegas Metro was watching and continuing their investigation into lewd behavior at the multitude of nightclubs and pool parties in Las Vegas. Metro is saying that other charges against unnamed clubs forthcoming.
For now patrons can still get up and shake their groove on the brass stripper-poles that stand tall in clubs up and down Las Vegas Boulevard. For now.
But owners and patrons, beware; Las Vegas Metro has undercover agents watching and waiting for another opportunity to make a point and keep the Nevada State Gaming Commission happy by stopping tourists from grinding along stripper poles.

Original Story:  digitaljournal.com

China approved of Google’s efforts to filter porn from search results on its China portal following state-led criticism of the links, the former head of Google China said Sunday.

The row with Beijing cooled down in July, after government censors met with Google and revoked a suspension of some features on its site, Kai-Fu Lee, former president of Greater China for Google, wrote on a Chinese blog.

State-run media and a Chinese government watchdog in June slammed Google for allowing pornographic links to appear in search results on Google.cn, the company’s China portal. China also briefly blocked nationwide access to Google.com and other Google Web sites and ordered the company to suspend “foreign Web site search services” until the links were removed.

Google changed its search algorithm to filter pornographic results, but it had remained unclear if censors were satisfied. Lee said multiple heads of government bureaus revoked the suspension and praised Google for having a “serious attitude” toward fighting low-brow content.

Lee, who left Google last week, said his move was unrelated to the government row and that he stayed at Google two months longer than he originally planned to handle the affair. Lee will be starting a venture in Beijing that provides angel investment and guidance for young local entrepreneurs, he said on the blog.

Google.cn has long filtered out some results for sensitive searches. The search engine displays a notice that some results have been filtered for search terms such as “Tiananmen,” the square in Beijing around which soldiers killed hundreds to disperse a student democracy protest in 1989, or for the names of major political leaders. The search engine currently displays no search results at all for “Xu Zhiyong,” the name of a human rights lawyer recently detained for about one month. The results screen says the search “may touch on content that does not conform with the related laws, regulations and policies” and that results cannot be displayed.

A Google spokeswoman asked for comment about the search filtering last month said Google, as a global company, “should strictly comply with local laws, regulations and policies.”

Baidu, the dominant Chinese search company and Google’s main rival in the country, also filters search results and tells users it has done so for sensitive searches.

Original Story:  pcworld.com